You write 'the book's list of words describing actual feelings contains quite a few words that Clean Talk would consider to be judgments masquerading as feelings, including quite a few words ending in "ed": "aggravated," "alarmed," "annoyed," "brokenhearted," "disappointed," "disgusted," "exasperated", "shocked," and "tired," among others. . Choose from Clean Talk stock illustrations from iStock. as a way of alluding to whats there without unduly triggering the listener.). Other NVC practitioners have had enough experiences like this that they didn't enjoy, that they have gotten to a point where they overcompensate in the other direction, and avoid using their connection skills in settings where people are trying to get things done. I've addressed above the subject of feelings that may have tinges of something else, and the misconception that NVC encourages people to claim the clout of "I need. Would you be willing to let me know, if, now that you possible understand more about NVC, you are still concerned about the things you alluded to above not being shared? Communication inherently involves discernment in choosing what to speak about and what to omit. They become your regular visitors. For the record, I think that one can in NVC express anger as one would any other emotion (and doing so might sound fairly similar to your Clean Talk examples). And one of the most important factors in creating and sustaining these warm, intimate relationships is communication. In actual NVC conversations with people who dont know NVC, saying I need in a way that is likely to trigger a sense of obligation in the listener would be the total antithesis of NVC it would amount to making a demand (and NVC is specifically designed to be about not making demands) in the guise of what superficially appears to be NVC. I'm tired of your perpetual 'poor me' attitude." "Maybe if you were more of a man, you'd be able to handle this." "You'd probably feel better if you got off your fat, lazy ass and finally did something about it." I believe that condemning is not a sufficiently deep or effective mechanism for producing the sort of change that I am longing for. Too often people resort to a threat as an easy way to resolve things, and will even drop the D word to scare their spouse into compliance. It helps fuel the body with vitamins and minerals, supports maintaining blood sugar levels, and adds crucial nutrition and lifestyle shifts to keep hormonal peace. I dont think there is anything in NVC that prevents sharing our most precious beliefs. In this type of talk, I think Rosenberg had a sense that most people tend towards far more focus on head than on heart, to the detriment of their connection with others. I appreciate the page numbers and, looking at these pages (in Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life), Im not entirely sure what youre talking about I see moralistic judgments occasionally spontaneously entering the conversation, then Rosenberg refocusing the conversations to something thats not about moralistic judgment To me, it looks like acknowledgement that people will bring moralistic judgments into conversations, but that we can keep returning to a non-moralistic frame. MFP note that one effective way to contaminate your message is to disguise it as a question: The questioner adopts the posture of soliciting information from their partner, but they already know the answer and their feelings about it; theyre really just making an accusation and showing their disapproval for their partners choice. While the encouragement to avoid interpretations is helpful when there is a risk of conflict, I see some room for discernment about when interpretations might be expressed without undue harm. It's called the "Clean Buildings, Clean Air" ordinance. But, if we're conscious of the risks of making up stories about things, we can also check our beliefs in other ways, by naming observations, or by being curious about the good reasons another person might have had for their choices (i.e., the needs behind their actions). In an example that I find surprising, Dr. Rosenberg won't say that in his opinion violence is harmful, as this would be a 'moralistic judgment' (p.17). Especially when it comes to communicating with women, you would be surprised how a cutting tone of voice can make them feel almost physically hurt. Some of the feelings words you express concern about point to experiences that point to particular physiological responses which I would feel regretful if it became forbidden to name them. You say "in some situations [Rosenberg] seems to suggest that connection is all that matters and that it is better to drop boundaries rather than risk losing connection [He]tells a story about a school principal who comes upon a dejected student while hurrying to join an important meeting for which she is quite late. I thought to myself, That's a telling question that reveals a confusion of boundaries." And, in the ways many individuals practice NVC, it doesnt always successfully do that. Needs reflect the most distinctive and profound aspect of the NVC model. There is no guidance in NVC that says we should not think, or should not discern, assess, make value judgements, try to sense, etc. Recognizing that, I realize that most of what anger I feel doesn't have much to do with you, or with this interaction. Many NVC practitioners express a need as a single word, in a way that isn't always as expressive an clear as it could be. Cleantech Communication is a collective of senior-level consultants who operate as an extension of our clients in-house teams. In my judgment, hiding what you're doing is a form of deception, and deception is a form of violence." Im tired of your perpetual poor me attitude., Maybe if you were more of a man, youd be able to handle this., Youd probably feel better if you got off your fat, lazy ass and finally did something about it., Youre just being ungrateful like always. Actively transforming our judgments. This framework offers a reliable basis for seeing beauty and nobility in all people and in every part of our psyche an intellectual framework that, when it is exercised fully, inevitably leads people to experience love and compassion. On the other hand, when Rosenberg or anyone else teaches, they are engaged in a type of different activity, using what I might term Concept Mapping Talk transmitting concepts and how they relate to one anotherand the guidance that is relevant toteaching (once we've addressed the relational issue of whether there is consent to be together in a teaching context) is different than the guidance that relevant to addressing the relationship between us. Instead, do your best to keep your voice level and calm. Angry fighting leads to distance and weakens intimacy. 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You say, "It's my belief that anger and other emotions are signals to let us know what's happening around us." I am also intrigued by the ideas of Powerful Non-Defensive Communication (PNDC), as developed by Sharon Strand Ellison. Every day CleanTalk gets information about thousands of new spam IPs/emails and some of these IP are used for card fraud too. If so, I too want those concerns to be given weight. ", Angry is similarly a word that tends to hold an implication that someone did something to us, and also points to a distinctive experience that isnt easy to accurately name in another way. Discernment is valued among NVC practitioners. Over time, our energy may more naturally go the a way of relating that is not so driven by judgments. Keep Body Language Open and Receptive Your body language communicates a lot, sometimes more than the actual words you speak. I think NVC encourages us simply to be aware of the ways that they can hurt, especially at times and in certain contexts. I believe its a mistake to take such expressions of his too literally. I notice that you seem concerned about NVC practitioners not sharing certain things, yet I have no idea why not sharing these would be of concern. Im not clear on to what extent this is a limit of NVC vs. being a limit of our practices of it. I think NVC discourages the use of moralistic judgments because they are entrenched tools of coercion and battling for domination, and NVC is about shifting out of a paradigm where one engages in those sort of activities. I might or might not share that I was initially angry, as a way of helping the other person understand my full experience, but I wouldnt be dumping my angry energy on them, and Id ideally be speaking from a deeper, more loving place, holding both them and myself with care. ' While talking about your history together may be useful when youre both calm, MFP recommend sticking to the present when things are heated, as anger turns references to the past into a club rather than a source of enlightenment.. I don't know how to make sense of a standard that would imply we have to (impossibly) say everything we are doing, or be judged as being violent. We also offer strategy and execution . One example of this is that excess focus on thinking can be risky at times, in the relational realm, but abstract thought is essential to teaching. NVC cautions that it's essential to empowerment and personal freedom to recognize that emotions don't only reflect what happens outside us, but also reflect the stories we have made up about what we've observed, associations we have with unhealed pain from the past, and our assessments of how what is happening is likely to meet or not meet our needs. There is a topic in NVC called connection requests, which unfortunately isnt addressed in the book you read. You mention Rosenberg's "suggestion that we guess what the other person is feeling and needing, which seems to assume the other person isn't capable of describing it, and therefore rather condescending." I imagine trying to express all such judgments as leading to an infinite regress, and I can't imagine how it could be viable to assert that it would be necessary or beneficial to express these. The Illinois Clean Jobs Coalition says buildings that burn natural gas account for about two-thirds of harmful carbon emissions in Chicago. NVC invites us to move out of the frame in which good/bad is the only means of expressing our enjoyment of others actions, and to provide more useful information to support others in understanding what we mean. Its true that NVC makes it harder to shame someone, if that is one's intention but, Im not sure that shaming produces the effects a parent would really want to produce if they thought about all aspects of their childs situation. Considering the three beliefs you named, the one that stimulates a little concern in me is I think what I did was wrong. It all depends on what associations you have with an action being wrong. If you associate being wrong with I deserve to be punished and to suffer, then I would be concerned that this belief may amount to a type of violence towards self that may ultimately contribute to there being more violence in the world. In writing the person off as incorrigible, you also essentially absolve yourself of any responsibility for your issues as a couple: We wouldnt have this problem if you werent so selfish.. I dont know that you can understand NVCs stance on judgments if you only use the word judgment in the Clean Talk way, and fail to differentiate between "moralistic judgments" and other types of judgments. You say"On Dr. Rosenberg's stated preference not to hear what people think, Flack comments, 'I am not sure that is a recipe for nonviolence, when what so many desperately need is that their fully human minds be fairly heard.' . CleanTalk eliminates the need for CAPTCHA, questions&answers and other ways which use complicated communication methods for spam protection on your site. We provide plugins and API to block forum spam, board spam, blog spam, web site spam with their spreading spam, abusing forms on web sites and other annoyances. Even in this context, I don't believe those statements were meant to be taken literally, except as guidance for when you've been ignoring your heart and things haven't been going well. 4 Reasons Why "Clean Talk Communication" is Important During some of my recent coaching sessions, I have both noticed my clients leaning toward wordiness and/or my clients would have to address wordiness in others. Also, expressing two different levels of "wants" may help "connect the dots" regarding the meaning one is making out of a situation, in a way that expressing only one level (even if it is at a deep "need" level) might not. Some such words have alternate forms, e.g., disappointment or disgust or shock; perhaps using these formswithout -edwould be more congruent with self-responsibility? The score for this software has improved over the past month. If Dr. Rosenberg says I need this is primarily for pedagogical purposes, to draw the attention of his students to what he is doing, much like a dance instructor calling out the steps they are doing. Imagine that you approach a performer after a performance and say, You were great! That may land well, but if the performer was painfully aware of some mistakes, they may dismiss what you say as being uninformed and untrue. CleanTalk Inc | 63 followers on LinkedIn. Your visitors are more loyal and not annoyed guessing characters or puzzles. With those who do know NVC, its a way of being willing to do more of the work ourselves, and put less of a burden on the other. We might then name I feel angry but in a way that energetically does not dump our anger onto the other person, because we trust that the anger doesnt represent our deepest truth. (I find the story you cite on p. 113 in NVC: A Language of Life.) loving relating, such that we can compassionately see and honor peoples beauty and humanity, while also fully honoring what matters to one another; transcending ways of thinking that limit our ability to see a way forward that could work for all; living in alignment with intrinsic motivations, and experiencing more aliveness and joy. It doesn't seem to occur to either the principal or Dr. Rosenberg that the goal of attending the meeting need not be summarily dropped in favor of spending an unspecified length of time with the student, that the situation might be a both/and rather than an either/or." Its a practice, for shifting our mental habits and re-orienting the way we relate to life. Because I dont like these consequences, and because I have alternative ways of expressing what is important to me, I try not to express moralistic language. This matches what Clean Talk advocates for, albeit with an extra stage of checking first before offering judgments. The body's immune system can also function . What NVC recommends is that the speaker express how the other persons actions have contributed to them personally. I and other NVC practitioners sometimes check for anothers willingness to hear our (moralistic) judgments related to them, or express our willingness to hear anothers judgments of us, and with this agreement, and with clear acknowledging of the judgments being what they are, exchanging judgments can be very helpful and clarifying. If you get contact email spam, comment, registration or other spam messages, it's time to add spam protection to your website. Note to self: Think more about what practices related to sharing interpretations I think would complement NVC, and how these might relate to the core practice. My experience in experienced NVC circles has been that what I interpret as leakage" shows up in ways that seem much more subtle than what you present in your examples. Note to self: Explore how it might look to express two different levels of meaning in NVC. autocad apple silicon; characteristics of an effective organizational structure; clean talk communication To the contrary, Rosenberg was fond of encouraging people to "enjoy the jackal show," i.e., to accept and watch the stream of judgments that flow through our consciousness. All Speakers. Any model is likely to need to adopt particular definitions for the words it uses. Global labels can feel highly satisfying to hurl at someone when youre angry and can seem completely justifiable at the time. 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